As I started to drift to sleep, I heard the sounds of drills whirring. I could feel a sharp stabbing pain shot into my left ear, slithering through my head, and exiting out through my eye. Smashing into my skull over and over until my sensation was numbed, as if half of my inner skull was hallowed.
I opened my left eye. Its eyelid felt lighter than normal. I struggled to focus my vision on the clock. 12:11:06. Fuck. I missed it. Again. I can't go back to sleep right away, I have to get up first. Go to the bathroom. Get some light. Maybe splash my face with cold water. Allow my brain to shift focus. If I don't do this, and instead allow myself to drift back asleep, I'll hear the drills again.
Uncommonly, when I'm awake, I'll begin to feel phantom sensations in different parts of my body. While listening to a pretty boring lecture about French history, the ends of my fingertips suddenly felt numb. On unbearably hot days, I thought I would have felt a deep slashing in my back. I feel sick to my stomach every single day. I believe I might shrivel up into nothing. My diagnostician said I feel anxious about being sick. My mind plays tricks on me, she says. It's natural. It's just stress. I don't think I can talk to them about how I feel at night.